‘Empathising while conducting’
Samuel has lived on Urtica for many years – almost his whole life! He is 62 years old and very sensitive – he senses everything that is going on. Sometimes it can be quite challenging to work with Samuel. If you ask him a direct question, he often reacts with irritation or turns around and walks away. He also shouts a lot. This started back in his youth. The resident above him often complains about it. It’s a problem for the neighbours too. It’s not helpful to ask what’s bothering him or why he’s shouting. Instead, I set out to discover Samuel’s strengths. We identified his impulse to act as ‘empathising while conducting’. Added to this was the role of the conductor. Samuel wants to conduct. When I see him, he often asks: ‘Can you do this or that for me?’ The conductor conducts the orchestra!
Successful unexpected actions
I embarked on a journey of discovery: How can I align with Samuel? How can I embrace his impulse to act? Three positive examples came to mind where I intuitively aligned with Samuel. In other words, three successful unexpected actions:
At the riding school: As a young man, Samuel used to ride. Some time ago, he said he’d like to go riding again so we drove to a riding school. While we were grooming the horse, he stood a good distance away. He didn’t want to ride either. So I asked: “Shall I ride?” He agreed. I climbed onto the horse and asked Samuel, “What should I do now? Where should I ride to?” Samuel stood in the middle of the arena and guided me. He said I shouldn’t hold my hands so high and should press my heels down. He told me where to ride. He clearly enjoyed telling me what to do. After a while, when I asked, “Would you like to ride now?”, he agreed. He got used to riding while directing me first and then started riding himself.
In the courtyard: Last year, we organised a barbecue. Samuel stood up and positioned himself in the middle of the courtyard. In a loud voice, he gave a speech and everyone listened to him attentively. He stood there like the mayor in the village square. He wants to and is able to select the tone.
At the theatre: A few weeks ago, I went to the theatre with him. We were seated in the balcony. Suddenly, he stood up and clapped very loudly. At first, I thought, “What on earth is he doing?”, but the whole audience was swept along by his applause and joined in. I looked at him and thought, “Now you really are in your element.”
New inspirations
In our Inclutrain intervision group, we discussed how I could align with Samuel. It became clear to me that it helped not to ask questions directly to Samuel, but rather to pose them generally to the group. That way, Samuel can take the initiative himself and respond without feeling directly confronted by the question. For example, if I say, “Can you take the paper away?”, he immediately shuts down. If I say instead, “Where does the waste paper actually go?”, he stands by my side, ready to help, and carries out the task.
Instead of addressing Samuel directly about the resident’s complaint regarding his shouting, I can pose the issue to a general audience: “The resident has complained; what might she need?” Such a question could give him the space to settle in and come to terms with the problem.
Bringing the impulse to act into the world in a positive way
The question is, where and how can he give free rein to his impulse to act? I discuss this with the Inclutrain group and come to a new realisation:
Me (Helga): When we’re sitting together in the car, he likes to talk. Or when we’re sitting on a park bench, we talk about what we see – for example, the cyclists and pedestrians passing by. He used to present things in the morning circle quite often, and the other residents enjoyed it.
Sophia: Would it perhaps be helpful to set up a regular discussion forum? Where, for example, we talk about what has moved us over the past week – without asking Samuel the question directly.
Me (Helga): Hmm, that could work. But something else just occurred to me! He finds it particularly funny when I pretend to scold him. He likes it when people act. Then he isn’t being addressed directly. It’s more like being in a theatre audience as a spectator. After all, the actors don’t address you directly there either. Then he can join in and take the initiative. He’s fully present then and has something to say, not directed at one person, but at a wider audience.
Albert: It’s interesting what you’re saying here. You align with Samuel when you go along with his impulse to act: you act out something directed at a (distant) audience. That’s exactly what he does; it’s his impulse to act. Through your acting – which isn’t directed at him directly – he can join in and bring his own thoughts into the world. Instead of shouting, he can express himself through words in these moments. That also reminds me of your unexpectedly successful action at the riding school: you rode yourself, and so he was able to join in from a distance and eventually get involved.
There is a difference between going along with the other person’s impulse to act and trying to change them through your interventions.
Marianne: We could incorporate acting more into our daily work.
Albert: Yes, exactly! The important thing is to get the whole group on board.
Helga: That’ll be exciting! We have a resident, Markus, who usually overdoes things – in his gestures and facial expressions. It often looks like a performance. However, his behaviour is usually directed straight at one person. Samuel finds this very disturbing. But I think it would be very good if we did the ‘performance’ together, without directing it at anyone in particular. That will probably calm the whole situation down. That way, we can connect with both Samuel and Markus.
Marianne: Yes, I think so too! The other day it was really hot whilst we were working, and Markus and I were thinking about what it would be like if we were at the swimming pool right now. And then we pretended we were at the swimming pool. It was a real ‘cool-down’. The work with the group went much better after that. I’d love to actively incorporate role-play into our educational work. I’d like to suggest that to our colleagues as well.
Insights
It’s not about encouraging Samuel to act on his impulse, but about acting on it myself or involving other people.
In the waste paper example, the aim isn’t to trick him into working, but to actually engage with the question. Where does the waste paper actually go?
It’s often difficult when someone says, ‘Oh, you’re so good at this or that, why don’t you give it a go?’ So, for example, if someone says, ‘Tell a joke’, I can’t think of one. But if someone else tells a joke, then I can think of jokes too.
It’s not about manipulating people with the impulse to act method, but about creating a learning space in which people can recognise themselves and flourish.
